9. Relapse

6/23/13

 

It’s been a while since anything of significance (subconsciously speaking) has happened.  Lucid dreaming is never a problem but I haven’t been able to leave my body since I moved into this new art studio.  Though I shouldn’t say that nothing has happened as I’ve had great strides in physical manifestation but since those feats could appear to be purely coincidental, I will not recount them.

It was two nights ago when I first felt something.  I was alone and felt that familiar tingling on my skin accompanied with the feeling of being watched as the cat stared at nothing with wide eyes.  Last night I was awakened with foreign thoughts attempting to enter my mind.  A craziness was leaking in, poisoning me with panic.  I was half awake yet something in me was trying to take over.  I wanted to run. I wanted to die.  But it wasn’t me.  I yelled for help.  I yelled for it to stop.  Arnald woke up and shook me. It subsided a little but I still craved to destroy myself.  He wrapped his arm around me and was able to drift off in peace.

Later on I dreamt I was with friends and family looking out a wide bay window. The clouds that filled the sky turned dark and began to billow towards us.  Again, I felt the craziness.  A vortex developed and I dropped to the floor, screaming for everyone to hide. It wanted me and no one seemed to believe me or care.

7/16/13

The other night I was finally able to make some progress but no where near to the level that I expect of myself.  I was able to leave my body but I seem to be incapable of reconnecting my sight to the experience.  I can feel the pull out and the unbelievable sensation of being completely suspended but I am trapped in that state of utter darkness.  And it also seems that that realm is not one that can be idled in as it takes only moments of being there for me to get slammed back in my body.  I will keep trying.

Another point to mention is that Arnald and I had a bit of a fight the other night.  I had revealed past actions that I had been keeping secret which he was very disappointed to hear.  We went to bed resolved, but still hurt.  I could not sleep well the whole night. Every time I did drift off I was awoken by a kind embrace, only to find there were no arms around me.  The feeling would immediately dissipate.   It was as if I was being comforted by an unknown energy.

Side Note: I seem to be far too distracted for anything significant to happen right now.  I will invest more time and effort once a majority of my present physical endeavors have past.

11/2/13

It’s time to admit this.  I have relapsed.  Much has been accomplished this year yet I am still held back.  It’s me.  It’s all me.  I have been using anything to distract myself from proper healing.  But mostly, I’m back to smoking like I used to.  I don’t condone it, but I can officially say that excessive smoking, especially before bed, has major effects on the subconscious.

The few times that I have been able to leave my body, I am shot back, almost as if by force.  Several times in my dreams I have tried to head for the stars, only to come in contact with a physical barrier.  Once I flew up and up only to reach a concrete ceiling, painted as the sky.  I am trapped.

So once again, I’ve started a journal.  This time on paper only and it is to track my cravings in order to identify, alter and recover.  I realized that I have smoked pretty consistently since I was 15.  That is over a decade of fog.  And the longest time I went without smoking was when I first began to create art with Arnald.  Now we are “married” and my mind is retreating.

After the first day of Happy-Plant-Abstinence my dreams returned to lucidity.  Since I am not in the habit of recording my dreams daily, I will recount the last three days.

My dream 3 days ago: I had left my domicile which at that moment was located on the coast.  White houses stood packed together, each with rounded corners, some completely cylindrical.  Night had already crept in as I looked out over the city from atop a hill.  Porch lights twinkled here and there with sporadic bursts of life.  But my attention was on only one thing; the beach.  As I glided downward, my awareness increased the closer I got to the water.  I vaulted off the first mound of sand, stuck my legs out and dove, feet first into the lower parts of the sand.  I laughed as I imagined that I must have looked like a human lawn dart.

I tumbled a little and fell into the water’s edge. A group of business men I had not noticed before happened to be standing very close.  They laughed at me and said something along the lines of “What a hippie”.  I laughed back and told them I could retort the same way and inquired what they were even doing out here on the beach at night.  My question was rhetorical of course as I cared little to what they were up to.  My real attention was out into the horizon where the black sky and dark sea could barely be distinguished.  I smiled in pure bliss as the salty breeze passed over me.

But the group of men had not left.  In fact, they had doubled and were creating a circle around me.  One of them asked me what I was doing out here all alone and another made advances towards me.  I began to tell them that I was waiting for someone and that they should be here shortly but that did not deter them in the slightest.  I pushed one of them away from me, a shorter, scruffier looking man, but another one grabbed my arm.  I screamed NO and lashed out but this only filled them with strength.  This was no fantasy of mine and it was clear that I could not win but I did retain enough power and awareness to engage in a forced awakening.

My dream 2 days ago:  The details of this one are fuzzy now, though they were not originally upon waking.  Arnald and I were at a party and taking turns seducing women.  Neither of us necessarily wanted to take any of them home, but playing with them was proving to be most entertaining.  We laughed and talked to one another, each knowing that we were having the same dream. At one point I challenged him to let me go down on him in the middle of the party.  He was hesitant at first with the very same concern I usually have in this type of situation.  What if we are mistaken and this is not actually a dream.  We gave eachother one more look of question before I ripped his pants off.  I looked around to see if anyone had taken notice, which of course they had not, but once I looked back I saw that Arnald’s lap was now occupied by a very flamboyant and petite man.  He sat comically with the palms of his hands cradling his chin.  We laughed again, shrugged and continued to move throughout the party.

My dream a day ago:  (I won’t go into details but Arnald and I had gotten into fights the last several nights.  I have no room for this type of behavior and have been thinking that a break to think about things is the only solution at this point.)

Arnald was gone.  Or perhaps it was I who had left.  Either way, I was alone and was left with a bitter taste.  I walked out of our art studio and my heart sank.  I ventured out, my mind stuck in pessimism.  A car pulled up and I got inside to find Gerard waiting for me.  His presence was comforting as usual and I was content to think of a life with him.  He spoke very little, also as usual, but remained understanding.  I didn’t really want to talk anyway.  I tried to focus my thoughts on a new future but could not lose the thoughts of the one who had left.  The one who had filled my life adventure and the one who showed tremendous support for my art.  The one that I knew could truly understand that art was the fuel for living.  But he was gone now.  And I wanted to move on.

We were heading back to Gerard’s house in the city when we saw a large group of people on the side of the road.  It was everyone who knew Arnald and I together.  They had already heard of the situation and had immediately chosen his side on the situation.  I desperately tried to convince a few of them that it was HIM who had left ME. That he was actually sometimes a mean person when he let his festering darkness out and that they had no idea of the reality of our situation.  My pleas were only met with eye rolls and scoffs.   It was futile and I knew I would be forced to start this new life with a completely new slate.  No one would understand.

Gerard comforted me the best he could but my thoughts could not be severed from whom I thought was my true love, the one I would start a family with.  I had put so much in and was truly embarrassed that I had made such a bold move as “marriage” without realizing all outcomes.  I wondered what my family would think and if there were any remaining friends that would support me.  I knew I would eventually be ok and maybe even happy but I was ashamed that once again, I had to run away.  This would be the last time, I told myself.

11/7/13

I came to awareness in some kind of restaurant/lounge.  The sun was shining through the windows and onto the calming white interior, casting light shadows over the small round table where I sat.  Arnald sat next to me and looked lovingly at the beautiful creature that slept in my arms.  It was our daughter again, same wonderful face as always, only this time she was in perfect health and did not immediately increase in age as the last couple times.  She was perfect and we were happy… and it was real.  I knew it was real.

I wore some type of long black dress, apparently left over from my pregnant days, which indicated that Arnald had taken us on a date.  I cradled her until she awoke and we laughed and played.  Her father wanted to hold her and play and I used the opportunity to sip on the wine he had bought me to reward and thank me for carrying his child.

My heart was overflowing with love for my family.  How could I have possibly doubted this?  Who else could bring me this much happiness?  I wanted to cry. This was all I ever wanted.  The baby began to cry so she returned to my arms and I comforted her, nestling her head under mine.  We stood up to take a walk but her body fell back and nicked the window seal leaving a very tiny cut on her scalp.  I panicked and Arnald was immediately by my side.  He comforted me, reminding me that it was very small and obviously did not hurt her because she was no longer crying.  I took his words and I turned to see my glass of wine that I no longer wanted.  Drinking wasn’t worth risking the safety of my offspring.  Arnald wasn’t drinking at all and seemed completely content for it.  I smiled at him admirably and we took off to walk together.

As we stepped away, a sudden realization swept over me and I knew again that I was dreaming.  I cried and held onto the bundle of life that gave me so much purpose.  I wanted this so badly.  I ached and yearned for it to become real.  And I woke up.

I fell back in to find myself in a familiar location.  I was on the outskirts of a desert town, by a road that was leading into the beautiful orange and yellow hued desert.  I passed the remaining patches of green grass and trees when suddenly my old roommate and friend, Reanne, appeared next to me. She looked around herself with excitement and I knew that this was not just a reflection of my mind, but actually her energy.  I told her how cool it was that she had made it and that we should explore.

“We are actually really close to one my favorite dream spots!” I told her, “It’s just up this way.”  I pointed out into the desert by a majestic mesa that loomed over the horizon.  Instinctly we began to run towards the sand.  I hadn’t had a guest like this, except Arnald, for a while and the achievement was even greater knowing that the energy was so remote.  I had only been to this secret location twice and was excited to show someone else.

I could see it in my mind’s eye.  A hollowed out rock with a secret entrance leading to a small room with one window and table naturally carved into the stone, the perfect place to create.  I knew she would appreciate it.  As we got closer I heard the sound of helicopters above us.  We ducked behind a bush and watched the road and sky fill with some type of authority. I wasn’t sure who they were after, but it could have easily been either of us.  I was not worried at all, but merely disappointed that I could not share my sanctuary.

“We’ll have to come back another time,” I assured her. I thought for a second of what else we could do when I fell back out and into the waking life.

I wrote to Reanne later on and told her of this dream. This was the response from her:

She had been dealing with sinister dream figures the last few nights and was investing her thoughts on connection before she drifted off.

“I remember the fact that I shared a dream location with (Her current roommate) and considered trying to tag along on his dreams, but he went to bed a few hours before I did, so I didn’t suppose it would work, being that neither of us are experienced oneironauts & our REM cycles weren’t in sync… You were the next person I thought about, figured our REM cycles were probably not synced either, but that maybe you could catch me on one of my earlier ones. Sooo long story to say that I had it IN MY BRAIN that I needed to find you, and didn’t suppose I would remember it if I did. Which I don’t -however- I don’t doubt it happened!”

12/5/13

This happened just a few hours ago.  Earlier I had talked to my friend, Jake, and we were planning on getting a beer.  For the past week it has come to my attention that association with him seems to only bring about over consumption.  Arnald and I were having relationship trouble and both agreed that over consumption brought out the darkness in us.  We have since recently made decisions to go to therapy and consume less.

I was taking a midday nap in between working on art for an upcoming show.  I was sleeping for probably about an hour when I forced myself to wake and check my email for a vital message.  I sent off the necessary information, to which I have documentation of to clarify that I did indeed actually wake at that time and send that message.  Instead of continuing to work I decided to lay down again for a little bit longer.  I was not incredibly tired anymore so as I closed my eyes I had the idea that I might be ready to try to leave my body again.

With that thought I instantly felt myself suspended.  I kept my eyes closed out of fear of breaking the motion.  It had been so long since I actually achieved such instant results that I was actually frightened, though I felt no maleficent force around me.  I thought for a moment that I was still not ready and tried to anchor myself back down.  I felt the sheets beneath me but was now paralyzed.  A serene presence surrounded me and I allowed myself to let go.  Something seemed to gently guide me out of bed.  I felt my body slowly slide off the sheets and expected the next feeling to be the cold hard ground but instead I remained afloat.  I drifted down the stairs, my eyes still shut.  I began to grow frightened again and finally opened my eyes to find myself underneath the loft, next to my “shrines”.  Because I had felt myself slide off the bed, my senses told me that I my entire body had physically levitated and floated down.  I tried to maneuver my body to lie on the couch in order for me to actually have a dream.  Right as my “body” touched it I was transported back to my bed.

I was still a little paralyzed but forced movement and sat up.   I looked out my window and saw Jake, dressed in his jean jacket with a flared collar and loud sunglasses.  He walked about with an arrogant bounce and simply pointed at me when I waved my hand and told him to come inside.  I walked down the stairs towards where the front door should have been.

“Come in!” I yelled as I descended.

“I can’t!” Jake yelled back.  I reached the front and was shocked.  The space where the door was had been almost completely barred up except a squared hole about 3 feet across.  Not barred up exactly, but had never been there.  The sheet rock was still one piece all the way across the wall and the texture was seamless, as if it was originally constructed like this, with no real door.

“I can’t fit through here,” Jake laughed.  He probably could have if he tried but didn’t seem to want to.  I began to panic and wonder if I was going crazy.  Had it always been like this?  Was this some kind of trick?  As reality was seriously questioned I slowly started to realize the nature of this vision.

We left my studio to meet up with Arnald and suddenly found ourselves on the roof of our place.  Jake stepped to the edge and brought to our attention quite a few people that were stuck in a crevice between the buildings.  They called to us lazily to help them get out.  Arnald and I took it upon ourselves to try and lift them out.  One girl in particular wanted Arnald’s help and only his help.  She was taller, brown hair and had a larger, bird-like nose.  She looked up at him with flirty eyes and extended her arms up for him to grab.  Once he got a hold of her though she let her body go limp.  I watched as he attempted to pull her pathetic, unmotivated body out.  A hand slipped out and she dropped back down, almost dragging him with us.  He stepped back and rejoined my side.  We silently decided that we no longer wanted to help those that would put no effort in themselves.

I woke shortly after, feeling incredibly rejuvenated and settled.

6/20/14

I have had quite a few significant dreams and some mild out of body experiences in the past several months but nothing that has compelled me to write as I am now.

Evening had just broke over our little wine country town, and as is summer tradition, music and other festivities were all throughout the streets.  My group and I (which consisted of Arnald and a few friends, acquaintances and coworkers) had found the perfect spot to hang out, people watch and enjoy each others company.

We had set up a few canopies on a second story terrace that overlooked the main street.  Small colored lights glittered out in the distance where the rest of civilization was celebrating. Someone in our group had brought a few large industrial lights that lit up our little area like day, something we all seemed to be pretty proud of.

As our friends started to get settled with chairs and beers I noticed something small and white flash through the night sky and dive quickly towards me.  It slowed down and circled me a few times before shooting back up and disappearing.  I instantly knew what it was and overwhelmed myself with excitement.  I walked around the outside of our canopies to a darker, quieter and more open part of the terrace, where a few others (including Arnald) were stargazing. Another image materialized before my eyes as I settled on the ground.  It was a face of a woman in wrap that smiled and blew away with the wind.

I laid my head back as more entities surrounded me.  A skeleton garbed in an old fashioned dress came very close.  I took a calming breath to ensure that I not let fear get the best of me. I sensed no danger at all, though the sight of a skull several inches from my face did frighten me just a bit.  I let it come close and it began to press it’s closed, bare teeth to the top of my hand over and over.  She loved me very much and was trying to show me with affectionate kisses.  I let her and returned the feelings of love, despite the sight of her bare bones.  She dissipated as more and more spirits circled me.

“Is anyone else seeing this?!” I yelled to the group. No one responded and seemed to be preoccupied with socializing with the living/physically materialized.  I asked again as I could not believe that I would be the only one witnessing this.

“I am,” Arnald finally responded, clearly mesmerized by the same sights that I saw.  I was grateful he was there to experience this significant encounter with me.

Suddenly one of the energy entities pulled me up to my feet and darted around the side of another canopy, knowing it meant for me to follow it. I looked to where it went and noticed the shadow of a man lurking by himself behind our set up.  Suspicion was instilled in my thoughts so I went to investigate. It was a younger guy in a large jacket, peering at  the group through the cracks of material walls.  I noticed a small gun in his hand just as he noticed me.  I rushed him instantly as I wrestled the firearm out of his hands.  After a brief struggle I flung the gun out of his hand and it slide across the terrace floor.

“I doesn’t matter anyway,” he told me, “Others are coming soon.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked while still holding on to his jacket.

“They’re already on their way.  You think you’re hidden up here?  Well you’ve been spotted.” Confused, I loosened my grip and looked over the terrace to see a young woman walking down the now empty street towards us carry a very large automatic rifle.  Apparently we were sitting ducks in a soon to be violent robbery.  Some group of people had staked us out as easy pickings and this man, who had just slipped away, decided he would beat them to it.

Before I could call out to the group to warn them, a shot was fired.  Our friends screamed and scattered while the armed woman continued her slow walk towards us, firing a shot towards our camp every few steps.  As everyone tried to find corners to hide in I remembered the small gun.  I ran and grabbed it, not necessarily with a clear plan on how I would use it.  I crouched to the ground and crawled to the edge of the balcony where the woman was about to walk under and out of my line of sight.  She fired a shot that passed right over me. Screams echoed out into the night but I had only seconds to react. Before I checked if anyone was actually injured, I aimed my tiny gun at her head and just as she was several feet below me, I pulled the trigger.  Right between the eyes. She stopped for a moment and time seemed to stop with her as we all looked to see the result.  Several streams of blood began to pour out, her eyes rolled back and her body fell to the ground as time resumed once again.

I dropped the gun and my heart began to race.  I did not want to kill her but I knew she would have killed all of us.  My breath started to cut off as I ran through the scenarios of how I should have shot her.  I should have aimed off and simply nicked her to let her know we were not defenseless but in the moment, I chose to end the situation quickly, simply and permanently.  I was disgusted at my decision, but I still assessed the situation and acted quickly.

“Everyone!” I called out to my group who stood in silence, bewilderment and relief. “Somebody needs to call the police NOW. You, go get all of the weed and hide it somewhere away from the camp. Don’t touch the body or the gun and when the police come just be honest about what just happened.”  I wanted to go on about how we were in the right and had done nothing wrong but somehow deep down I did not believe myself. My friends were of course hesitant to call the authorities but I explained that we would actually be in trouble if we did not alert anyone, or tried to change the story.

Once my friends disbanded to carry out my instructions my entire self broke down, physically and mentally.  I dropped to my knees and began to bawl.  I did not want comfort.  I felt that I deserved to feel the pain I felt.  Though it was the “right” thing to do, I was still damaged from it.  I ran through pointless questions in my head like, Why did they have to try to rob us? Why did they bring guns into it?  What was the point of all that?

I laid in my tears, fetal position, while everyone respectfully let me be.  Through my racing thoughts I noticed several policemen talking to members of our group, all with solace faces.  The officers seemed to wear a sympathetic look on their face as they listened to the details of the tragic event.  One of them pointed to me but I knew they would leave me alone.

Eventually I got up as the night passed to morning and citizens returned to the street to set up their wares to sell during more festivities.  I tried to go about as normal but would randomly break down into sobbing.  Other vendors and townsmen looked down and away when I did this.  News of vigilante behavior had spread quickly and everyone showed me massive respect for it, though they knew it was inappropriate to speak to me about it.

As I roamed the streets in a strange mix of despair and accomplishment,  I slowly drifted to the waking life.

 

7/9/14

Arnald and I were travelling in the van, but this time, not to a particular place.  We were living in the van with both the cat and dog, on the look out for a new spot to settle. We had stopped in some unknown town and befriended a few locals who invited us over.  Or so we thought.  The host of the party happened to be some psychotic tyrant and at one point broke a bunch of bottles in rage and was now having his guests walk in slow lines across the shards.  At that point I had had more than enough of the poisonous energy that loomed in that residence and was already loading the van for our departure.

I watched the others move in a line from inside the house to the driveway, their bloody feet staining the concrete as they looked at me with faces sunken with defeat.  I pitied them, even though the guests themselves had been cruel to us earlier.  I assumed they were just under the influence of their leader when they set off smoke bombs that were meant to pass on terrible rashes.  Arnald and I had avoided those and were now double checking that both animals were aboard so we could leave.

As I called my dog to jump in the van I looked underneath the bed to find my cat curled into a blanket, trying to comfort his huge red and swollen body.  It looked as though he went out for a walk and got in contact with some of the smoke from the rash bombs.  I was enraged.

“Hey!! You guys!!” I screamed to everyone, “What the fuck?! What the hell is wrong with you?” They all looked back at me without saying a word, though their faces said, ‘What are you going to do about it?’

“Do you realize what you did?!” I went on, “My cat is seriously fucked up from those stupid bombs you guys were throwing around! Do you even care? Whatever, we are getting the fuck out of here.”

“Good riddance,” a woman in the front said to me with confidence.  I shot a glare to her immediately, barely able to to believe their audacity. “Nobody really cares about your cat so It would be much better if you just left.”

“Gladly,” I responded as I slammed the sliding door and climbed up to the passenger seat.

Once the last door shut the environment on the outside of the van began to change.  Everything blurred, almost digitally, and slowly changed to some sci-fi setting.  We stepped out of the van and into a glorious structure as I grew even more incredibly lucid.

It was a spaceship. The floors were a shiny metal and the roof was domed and transparent.  I did not take much else of the structure because the view as so unbelievably breath taking that I could not look at anything else. Millions of galaxies swirled around us and the endless darkness of space. My heart stopped and I dropped to my knees.  Arnald joined my side as we watched the most incredible thing I had ever seen.  And I knew then that this was our spaceship.  It was meant for us and was waiting for us and would always be ours and we had just discovered the portal to get here.

“This is our spaceship…” I told him, though I knew he knew.  “I want to always be here…” I said quietly as I curled up in his arms in complete comfort and contentment. And I meant it.  I thought on of how special this was and how REAL it was.

We watched the universe dance around us when suddenly I felt another presence somewhere around us. I looked down and an Alien ship crossed slowly underneath us. I initially tried to remain calm and not automatically take it as a threat.  I did not leave Arnalds arms until it turned around and began to circle us.  Though I could not see our watchers themselves and they had not made an actual threatening move yet, I still knew deep down that they meant to disrupt and possibly harm us.

I stood up and saw in the center of the room, a holographic image of our van.  I knew it was the portal to get back.  Arnald looked at me and told me to run first and that he would get to me.  I obeyed and bolted for the van.  Once I was in, the portal shut and my view changed.

I now saw Arnald from a third person view in an open and futuristic looking common area, filled with cubes of different sizes and littered here and there with a few trees.  Up above the Alien ship hovered and began to release hundreds of men.  They weren’t really men but had changed their image to look like all different kinds of people from different ethnicities, professions and walks of life. Almost immediately they made their way to Arnald and began to charge at him.  Another portal opened up way across the way on the other side of the common area. We both knew what he had to do.  I watched, with no ability to intervene as he ran for his very life, dodging enemies, jumping over ledges and maneuvering himself in any way possible to reach his goal.

‘He must make his way back to me,’ I thought.  And then I woke.

 

7/11/14

I found myself in a large grey hall filled with people preparing for an event. In the center was a tall, cubed pillar and a table that wrapped around it.  About 15-20 people sat behind the table, all of whom I knew in some way. I walked up to one and put out my hand.  The person, whom I could not properly identify, sighed and pulled out a small crystal from their pocket and handed it over to me.  I put it in a black pouch that I carried and moved on to the next.  I proceeded to collect various kinds of rocks and crystals from all of my friends.  Each stone was different and all had belonged to me at some point though I had not seen them in a long time.  Some of the people had excuses as to why they still had them, and others tried to argue and not give them back.

As I continued to collect my lost property, I looked a ways down and saw him.  It was Gerard.  I had not seen him (in my conscious or subconscious) for quite a while and was nervously surprised to see him.  For once, he was visibly happy and eager to see me.  I stepped up to the man next to him who hesitated reaching into his own pocket to retrieve his crystal.

“He stole his,” Gerard said, smiled and pointed to the man by him.  The guy looked over un-amused and begrudgingly handed over the crystal, without defending himself. I smiled too and approached Gerard, my heart racing.

“Hi…” I said, then paused before saying, “…I haven’t seen you for a while.” I partly put my hand out to receive the stone he carried but instead of handing it over he got up from his seat.

“Actually, can I talk to you over there for a minute?” he asked me.  This was most unusual, I thought, but followed him anyway.  We walked to a corner and sat on the cold cement floor.

“I’ve just been thinking a lot…” he started, “and there are parts I wish I could take back. It’s frustrating because I’m ready for this now and-” he went on more about how he felt about me, letting everything spill out naturally, but I began to drift off as I stared at his face and thought of what a resemblance he shared to my Comrade, whom I also had not seen in quite some time. Finally I broke my trance.

“But… you never said anything to me… and barely showed interest!” I told him.

“I know, I know..” he said and reached over, taking me in his arms.  I wanted to let him but I flinched remembering that I was married and pulled away. He kept his hand on my arm and I allowed it.

“But I know there was something really strong between us and-” he went on.

“But it’s too late.” As I told him no, my brain started to process yes.  What if he is supposed to be my soul’s partner?  What if Arnald is better without me?  What if now is the right time?  But as I thought these things my gut began to tighten and a lump cultivated in my throat.  I thought of the magnitude of even considering something like this and how detrimental it would be to my personal “timeline”. My thoughts tossed left and right.  But what if I am supposed to do this?

“I need to think about this,” I finally told him and left.  I walked a distance to find Arnald sitting on a stool seat at a bar, but when he turned it was not actually him, but the only other man I was ever in a serious relationship with, my teenhood boyfriend, Damon.  I looked down with shame as I remembered how physically un-attracted I was to him.  I felt bad. It wasn’t his fault.  As I took the stool next to him, he leaned in to kiss me and I pulled back.

“I’m sorry but I can’t kiss you with that beard,” I tried to say nicely.  He looked away embarrassed and then continued to talk about what he had been up to.  I didn’t listen and thought to myself, but could not remember for the life of me why I was so disturbed and torn by this situation.  I dug deep into my thoughts and finally pulled out my real mate’s name, Arnald.  I shook my head and looked at the impostor in front of me.

‘This is just a dream…’ I reminded myself. Once again I was visiting an alternate reality. Here I was still with Damon. As I pretended to listen to him speak, I went over the things I would say to break things off.  My first instinct was to tell him it was the beard.  Then I woke up.

 

8/24/14

Last night for our anniversary Arnald and I hiked out to the coast and slept on the beach by a waterfall.  We shared a bottle of champagne and watched strange lights hover up and down the ocean’s horizon. Our bed’s, thin sleeping bags on top of sand, did not allow us to reach a full deep sleep, but the medley of white noise that the waves, falling water and cascading rocks behind us provided allowed us to drift off to a state of half-consciousness.

At one point I popped up with the sudden urge to check how far the tide had come in.  To my surprise and slight fear it was only about a foot away from our tent.  I knew this was geographically impossible since not only had the ocean’s edge been about 150 feet away when we went to bed but there was also a small dune that was protecting us.  If the water had breached that the tent would have been flooded.  But the water just swayed delicately in front of us and I got the feeling that we would be fine.

I called to Arnald to come see the water and he got up and looked with me.  We discussed if anything was left out that we should be worried about but dismissed it as the gentle waves hypnotized us.  After that it was unclear if I laid back down or simply awoke again.

In the morning, dehydrated, hungry but still happy, we discussed how our sleep went.  I told him what I experienced.  He had experienced the exact same scenario.  Word for word, exactly the same.  Except it was him that had got up and called to me to look at where the water stood.  I smiled as I grabbed the book entitled “Mutual Dreaming” by Linda Lane Magallon that I had been reading and shoved it in my backpack as we packed up our camp.

Finally.  After months, no years of attempting to have a conscious connection in the dream/astral realm I have finally achieved it. After endless empty connections with men and women I have experienced a mutual dream.  Though it may seem small and insignificant it is still a great feat for me.  If this skill can be improved and mastered then I will finally have a fellow oneironaut to accompany me on this vast journey.  Who better than my partner?

 

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