8. Angels & Demons

Date: 10/7/12  

3:55 AM

Something has just happened. Something new.

I was dreaming that I had just had a child.  Arnald stood next to me as I unwrapped the small bundle in my hand.  Two other children played around us.  Both had long dark hair, they were cousins of one of us, and seemed female but could have easily been boys.

The baby was small and fragile, but extremely beautiful.  It was a girl.  I took the blanket away to see more of her and felt the strange bond.  All of a sudden a flash of memories of being pregnant flew through me.  It seemed as though the months had just flown by.  But here she was.  I cradled her small neck and gazed into her blue eyes.  My grandfather had blue eyes and so does Arnald’s mom.

“You’re Daddy!” she exclaimed.  We were both surprised but it seemed natural that our daughter was so phenomenal. I sat her up, since she could sit well on her own now, on my lap. “I’m your daughter!”

“That’s right,” I said with her father smiling across from us.  It seemed that with each second she grew a day.  The cat came over with an air of protection over the child and she began to pet him.

“Kitty cat!” she exclaimed.  I commended her again and told her the kitty loved her.  My cat surprisingly did not move as she hugged him.  Soon the cousins ran over to play, to which I was hesitant, not being sure exactly how old she was.

I thought of how intelligent she was and how I could slowly incorporate my new way of looking at life, my recent enlightenment.  Arnald seemed more open as well and my heart was filled with content and happiness.  Then I realized the lucidness of my dream.  It was ok though.  I continued on as normal because I somehow knew that a level of this was not false.  This was my daughter.  As she ran out, and I became aware, the environment changed.

I was awake now and in the bathroom of all places, everything dark from the night. I wasn’t sure how I got there but it didn’t bother me. I saw a glimpse of my daughter scurry down the hallway to the living room and I followed, gliding with ease.  I was not scared.

The living room looked about the same.  Even in the darkness I could make out the saint statues that belonged to Arnald’s ancestors.  I saw bodies lying in sleeping bags, one was sleeping under the saints and I knew it was my cousin.

I called her name quietly and poked her.  The body moved and responded, “Yeah?” It was her voice. I said it was nothing and that I was just checking to see if it was her.  I looked over to see her daughter’s asleep on the floor in front of the sliding glass door and the youngest asleep on the couch.  I let them sleep.  I felt extremely content and safe and knew there was no reason to wake them.

Suddenly, extreme awareness arose in me. This was real. Really real. And I KNEW that this was not a dream.  I thought for a moment that I wanted to see clearer and instantly the haze of darkness cleared up and I could see perfectly around me. It seemed as though a layer passed through me.  Now my awareness seemed off the charts. I stood and breathed as I am now, in a state that had only happened in my waking mind.

I turned around to see Arnald and my daughter snuggled up on the couch.  A small seat was set up across from them.  I walked over, settled next to my two loves and asked what they were up to.  Arnald simply pointed to where the seat was and smiled.

“Someone is here to meet you,” he said.  I looked over to see the seat now occupied by a middle aged woman.  She was stout and bubbly, with dark hair.  She wore a pink dress and clutched a small purse.  Her smile was genuine and she had just a slight awkwardness about her.  My heart jumped with excitement.

“Oh!” I said and walked over to her, “Are you a relative of mine?” She seemed surprised with the forwardness of my question and began to speak of little insignificant things but did not answer my question. When she finished I knelt beside her and took her hand. “I’m so happy to have met you,” I told her.  I felt an immense amount of love for her.  She smiled back and still seemed a little surprised that I showed only love and no fear.  I asked her again, not wanted to be rude but showing a real interest in this experience.

“So are you a relative of mine?” I asked again.  She was hesitant again.

“Well, in a way I am,” she responded.

“Please don’t take this the wrong way… but… Are you dead?” I asked. To this she smiled.

“Well, in a way. I am dying.” She told me.  I felt bad for her and took her hand again.  It seemed as though she did not want pity so I retracted.  I sat back on the couch.

“I’m sorry… Please, tell me more about you.” I said.

“Me?” she said surprised, “What about you?” she pulled out a little piece of paper that apparently had things written about me, a profile of sorts. “It says here that you have been trying some new things.” But I didn’t want to talk about myself.  I knew what I was doing.  I wanted to know more about this amazing person that sat before me.  It seemed as though she had so much to tell, so much knowledge to give, and no one had been asking her for it. Then all of a sudden she disappeared, but I could still hear her voice.

“Whoa whoa, you’re wavering there. I can’t see you,” she told me.

“But I can’t see YOU,” I replied, looking at the empty chair.

“It’s ok, just calm down and focus a little,” she instructed.  I took a breath and focused my attention on her.  I told myself to not be distracted by lingering thought and she re-appeared.

“Whoa, so when I can’t see you that means you can’t see me?” I asked her.

“That’s right,” she smiled, “It’s important that you not get distracted.”  I then remembered my line of questioning.

“I really just want to know more about you,” I told her with a huge smile across my face.  She clutched her purse and looked to the side.

“Well, let’s see.  There are several dates that were significant to me.. One would be June 1st and the other July 2nd.” She then began to ramble off about events that happened on those days.  How she had been involved in an event in July.  I tried so hard to solidify the information but she talked too fast.  As she talked I went and grabbed a paper and pencil to jot down what she was saying.  I didn’t see Arnald anymore but I felt a presence next to me, listening and observing. Once she had a break in speaking, I spoke up.

“So tell me about the event on July 2nd again?” I asked, referring to my paper. I was hoping that writing it down as well as having her reiterate would keep the information solid in my mind once I came back to my body, but she knew I could not keep it all in my head. She mumbled something about it again but did not go into detail.

“I’m sorry, but what is your name?” I asked.  She hesitated again and looked to the side.  She mumbled it, but I could not make it out.  I asked politely again. Dina (or something vaguely like that) but I could not make out the last name for the life of me.  The whole name sounded like something I could not comprehend. She skipped over that, as though all the information I was trying to extract was insignificant.

“What you really need to remember though is December.  December is a bad time for us.” She said an nodded with a matter of fact.

“Oh no!” I said sweetly, “I’ve heard that about myself too.”

“Well then stop killing me!” She laughed playfully. I knew she was joking.  She had the same cynical air about her that my grandmother had. But I also knew there was a level of truth to what she said.  I looked down and circled my abbreviation for December.

“Make sure to look out in December,” she told me, pleased that I was heeding her warning.  I approached her again.  I knew my time was closing with her and that I would probably return to my body soon.

“What will happen in December?” I asked but she did not respond.  I knelt down again. “Can you tell me if you really are a relative of mine?” She did not say a thing, only looked deep into my eyes with a Mona Lisa smile.  She also knew it was time to go.  And it was.  As we looked into each other, I shot back and found myself lying in bed.

I was shocked from the experience but found it somewhat easy to move.  I called Arnald’s name about four times but he did not wake until I moved to grab my laptop to record.  I recounted the main parts to him and cried when I thought of how real all of this is.

I’ve decided to only record these types of experiences.  Dreams and Lucid Dreams seem so shallow and insignificant now.  I must learn more.

Date: 10/10/12

As my awareness shifts more and more each day, new realizations blossom like sudden life in a dying land.  Before, lucid dreams were my canvas.  I recognized a different and very real reality but it was still confined to this consciousness.  Leaving my body has liberated me in a way I never thought possible.  Now, dreams are my palette and my canvas is the reality I live in now and this new realm that I am so grateful to have the opportunity to explore.

I still have my regular dreams that I once thought were so advanced and amazing, where I look for artifacts, run from, fight or resist an enemy, and occasionally find a woman to express some of my carnal desires.   But my very lucid dreams are completely filled with creativity and inspiration.

Just last night, I was shown an animated short that touched on enlightenment. I was told in my dream that it was made by someone else and I had no question that it was created by someone else’s consciousness.  It was very detailed with bright colors and had a strong Indian theme.  It started with a creature with eight arms and bright red skin and began to pan away over the hills to reveal more and more beings dancing with the joy of enlightenment.  It moved fast and there was so much movement yet it still maintained serene.  A soft comforting and still invigorating melody played with hints of sitar to maintain the theme.  I was impressed.  It was not something that I could do or would think to do, but I loved it all the same and I was inspired.  I then decided to create my own.

Without effort a flood of images came rushing through me.  A girl stood, weightless in space, clutching a piece of paper that had something important on it.  Her hair whipped around her naked body and suddenly her environment wavered and switched, like a frequency going in and out, and she found herself on a cliffs side gazing out into the misty ocean.   She wore her school uniform.  The camera panned up and into her face, her eyes expressing the longing for more than what was here.  It panned down to her fingers, still grasping the paper as if it was key to something.  The environment shifted again and she was in the water, in complete bliss.  Her surroundings flickered in and out, until someone called her name.  You did not hear the voice, you only knew that had happened because she snapped back to her vantage point on the cliff and her head turned.  Her mouth moved and she gave one last look out to the horizon.  She looked down and closed her eyes, it hurt her to leave, though she knew she had to.  The whole time, there were no sound effects present, only an eerie but beautiful song playing, a woman’s voice in another language.   I woke up with these wonderful images still fresh in my head.

It seems funny to me now that I feel comfortable writing about my feelings and opinions in this reality.  When I started in 2011 to document past and present dreams I made a vow to keep my writings unbiased.  I thought, who am I to analyze, to make judgment, to indicate how someone else should interpret something?  But now I am filled with such an overflowing need for expression that I feel it is degenerative to my development to keep it inside.

Date: 10-24-12

Images are burned in my head.  Last night I was scared again.  I found myself skipping uncontrollably back and forth in the hallway with an intense anxiety.  It felt as though something unbelievably strong was trying to take over me, to fill me and control me.  I was hopping around as if attempting to perform some type of ritualistic dance in order to maintain my sanity, though the only result was me feeling completely mad.  I forced myself awake and the anxiety stuck.

I struggled to keep my eyes open but they were unusually heavy and I could not block foreign thoughts from invading my mind.  Most of the thoughts seemed to not be my own and were fighting to persist.  I tried to block them out.  I thought that I must go into the living room and sleep under the saints, but something would not let me.   Then I thought that I should take something off my shrine to protect me, but again I felt that I could not.  The force was not so strong that it physically kept me back, but more I felt an overwhelming mental persuasion to not proceed.  I tried to remember that I was protected, that the only thing that surrounded me was love.  Yet still, the foreign thoughts invaded and frightened me.  I could not tell what was psychosomatic and what was real.

Earlier in the day I had considered the possibility that my dream comrade was one and the same with whatever has been communicating with me in the other realm.  It seemed logical that his help and guidance would extend to that area.  But even if that was so, something was still wrong.  Perhaps it was all me.  Perhaps I am my own demon that frightens me and my Comrade is trying to coax me out of my body to help me conquer myself.  I do know that my dreams can only take me so far.  I have completed all the training in that area and must proceed to the next step.  Yet I am still scared, to my frustration and disappointment.

Eventually, after about 20 minutes of fighting these foreign thoughts, I forced myself up through the unusual weight I felt on myself. I grabbed a stone off the shrine, the same one Arnald had found in the river on a trip with family.  I had sat with it in the sun several days in a row and now it rested on the shelf next to the wood scrap with the tag of Arnald’s late friend.  I laid it on my chest and felt a strange sensation.  My body felt much more relaxed but I still couldn’t wipe my mind completely clear of unwanted thoughts. I imagined a white glow around myself and with that felt a sense that something was hugging me, all over my body, enveloping me.

After about 10 minutes I felt the need to move the stone to my stomach but my hands, or the stone itself I could not tell, became very heavy.  I stayed another 5 minutes then once it had felt more comfortable to move, I moved it down.  Again my body became more relaxed.  After another 5 minutes, I moved in down again to rest on my pelvic bone.  After about 10 minutes in that area, I realized I had hit 3 chakra points and considered moving them up to the higher ones, but again something told me not to.  I felt, or was told, it would be better if I placed the stone on the window sill above my head. I obeyed and with only a slight apprehension drifted off to sleep.

I don’t know how long I was asleep but the next thing I remember was sitting on an unfamiliar couch, looking out the window at the night sky.  Arnald and his father stood next to me, talking about changes in the sky.  I called out to them to look when I noticed a large but thin white ring around the moon that extended all the way to the horizon.  We stood, astonished and excited.  Suddenly, points began to form around the moon itself and slowly extended all the way to the ring.  The outer ring began to turn clockwise, creating a sort of spiral effect.  A white glow emanated from the moon and spread between the curved lines.  As the glow began to turn yellow we excitedly ran out of the house through the garage to watch the spectacle.  The color solidified and dispersed itself to a million single points that looked like stars only brighter.  They moved in the same clockwise motion at first then began to branch off in different directions.  I then noticed that I carried a video camera in my hand, which was extremely strange for I have never had a camera of any sort in my dreams.

“Should I record this…?” I asked Arnald and myself. But before I had any time to actually consider my question, my hand had opened the camera and began to record.  It felt forced, unnatural and strange.  Suddenly the bright points began to move quickly and erratically, like an upset swarm of bees.  In groups they shot off and fired downward to different areas close to us.  Behind me, I saw all of the doors to the house shut and I knew there was no shelter from what was happening.  I began to panic.  I had done something wrong.  They were upset that I tried to record them.

“No… NO!”  I cried.  I woke to myself screaming and Arnald shaking me.  I didn’t know what that meant.  It felt like a message to not mock in any way what was happening to me.  Or perhaps another push to leave my body (as I’ve heard that buildings represent your body in the subconscious).  Either way, I woke with the idea that it might be helpful to sell my camera for extra cash, which was something I strangely had not thought of before.  I slept calmly and comfortably with the tv on until the morning.

Apparently, I have not conquered as much fear as I thought.  I must delete all unnecessary parts of life, and accentuate the vital and productive.

Date: 10/30/12

Last night I had several long dreams.  Two, of which my skin was completely icy blue.  The first, I was an entity of light, sent with a group of other female light entities to fix a large spherical structure that had been half submerged in water.   As bodies of light, we entered into small cracks in the metal and tampered with wiring.  Eventually it became known to us that we were actually sent to dismantle it and not to repair the strange alien-like ship.  Visions were embedded in our mind and we saw something that claimed to be god.  He was in the heavens and he pointed towards Earth, sending out dozens of women, moving at the speed of light.  They were all different colors, with their legs blending into streams of pure energy.  And there I saw myself.  Icy blue.

The other dream I had gone with a group of young boys to a religious camp of sorts.  Once dropped off they told me how twisted the place actually was and that their parents did not believe him.  I assured them all that I would expose the evil this place held, or at least protect them along the way.  One of the boys that stayed by my side was one I had seen before.  He is a brown haired boy between the ages of 6-10, I can’t fully tell.  I call him my brother though I know he is actually not.  He is my apprentice in training.  When he is around, I know that I must protect him with everything I am capable of.

After locating his possessions that the faculty took from him, I instructed him to grab whatever it was that he wanted while I ward away the evil but beautiful teacher that watched us like a hawk.  I used my speech to intimidate her but she stood strong.  Once I knew the boy was out of sight, I tried to weaken her spirit by demeaning her.  I pissed all over her, yet she still stood strong.  Then I accused her of liking it and that she would also probably like to be penetrated, which I then proceeded to do. After an orgasm from her she ran off in shame to tell the headmaster/pope of her sins.  I knew the very walls of this corrupt organization was about to fall so I chose then to slip away unnoticed.  I headed down a large marble walkway with tall walls but no ceiling. There I found an Indian man who I knew had trained me in the past.

“You can’t let your sexuality rule you.  You must learn to control yourself,” he told me.  Partly embarrassed, I laughed as well and thanked him for his help in the past.  Many Indian looking women adorned in gold jewelry and rich colors past by me.  About half of them had their bodies completely covered in paint.  With almost no effort I mimicked their appearance in order to blend in.  I then saw myself dressed in the same garb, only now my skin was completely blue.

Date: 10/31/12

I visited an alien planet.  Finally.  I was napping and in the shallow parts of my dreams kept falling in and out of that half awake mode where I was aware of both surroundings.

I was in church and very bored so I began to space out and as I did, the thoughts that filled my head were those of my waking self lying in my bed.  I was aware of sounds outside the door and the sleeping dog to my side.  Suddenly I heard clapping and my awareness went back to my subconscious mind.  Church was over now. We drove off in the rain until we made it to a wooden sanctuary, a peaked-roof on four posts.  I began to grow restless and started to feel my body lift up off the ground.  I skipped from one side of the shelter to the other in one leap.  My aunt, who was with me, looked up with a frightened face.

“No, not tonight!” she begged me but I couldn’t stop.  I hopped out and onto the roof in several great strides.

“You can’t do that!” she exclaimed again, “This is Satan’s work!”  For a second, my heart raced with childish fear of doing something wrong, but I brushed it off and replaced the fear with complete confidence.

“You would do it if you could!!” I screamed back. I saw a large man come out from one of the other buildings but I was not afraid of him.  I leapt into the air and to my surprise the man flew up and began to pursue me.  My mind raced with possible escape methods when suddenly I realized that I was capable of even more.  There was nothing keeping me from leaving this shallow and dense dream world.  I erased the last lingering bit of fear from my mind and shot myself straight up into the air. And again, the crystal clarity of breaking through overflowed my senses.

It happened much quicker than in the past.  I flew past the night sky and into the light of day, past the atmospheric glow around the Earth, once again taking a second to look at the curvature of the planet and the glitter of stars all around.  Then, without looking up, I felt my body being sucked through something, a portal.  The universe flashed before me in a vacuum motion and all around me I heard the sound of energy, vibrations and frequencies running throughout my veins.  Stars, planets, black holes, solar systems, all in a stream of motion. I was frightened, but only out of unfamiliarity.  Remembering my vow to remain calm in times of uncertainty, I took a breath and let my surroundings take course. Suddenly I saw another white light and I was out of the vortex.

Movement slowed down just slightly enough for me to see that I was moving towards another solar system and homing in to a foreign planet.  The continents were much different than Earth and the surface seemed much colder.  I stopped unwillingly and hovered above the planet.  I felt that if I wanted, this could be the end of my journey.  I did feel satisfied, as this was the first alien planet I had seen (The last sight in space being an eclipsing blue star) but this seemed potentially habitable.  I decided to venture forward and forced my body to shoot downward into the atmosphere.  As I entered, my body began to move faster and faster again as I was sucked into the planet’s gravitational pull.  The first continent to fall into my path was one that looked a little similar to Africa but it was almost completely covered in snow.

At this point I was moving so fast that I wasn’t sure if I would be able to stop at all.  I zoomed down to the surface and evened out my flight so as not to plummet into the surface.  The landscape was rigid and filled with many treacherous mountains, the edges scattered with some type of pine tree.  I was beginning to think that no one could possibly live in this area and that perhaps again this would be the extent of my adventure when suddenly I saw a structure nestled in the side of a mountain.  It was small and simple, made of what seemed like marble or a similar stone, with a domed top and pillars outside the inner square walls.  I wanted to stop to see it but I was moving too fast.

Another and another of the small structures passed me by and I began to worry that I was missing all chances to see the civilization, when suddenly I saw ahead of me, a huge domicile.  It had the same domed roof only more pointed and the whole building was cylindrical with many tall pillars.  The palace sat in the crack of a mountain and was surrounded by very tall and old pines.  The whole building sat atop a single massive pillar that jutted out of the rocks and a wide stair case wrapped around it, leading to the entrance.  This was too good to pass up.  With all my might, I forced myself to slow down.  I had to fly in an awkward figure eight type of motion in order to lose momentum and position myself correctly.  I missed my mark several times and panicked only slightly that I was not skilled enough to make it inside. Once again, I excused my lack of confidence and carried on with strength.  Finally, I made my mark and gently flew into a window on the side.

The room was small but the walls and floors were covered in a wonderful turquoise marble.  I was overwhelmed at this point as once again my awareness heightened even more.  I did not remember what the two beautiful females said when they approached me or if they said anything at all.  I was too wrapped up in the visuals all around me.  To my left was a large bed with two small desks or dressers in the corners and to my right was a closed door leading out and a single chair in the corner closest to me.

The females were much taller than me, over 6 feet at least, and their skin was beautifully radiant.  I did not take note of their clothing, only that they wore some type of robe or gown.  The first one, who had a serene and genuine smile the whole time, had blue-ish skin that seemed to sparkle on the arms.  The second girl who stood to the right had a more abrasive demeanor and her skin was almost the same color only a little more on the green side.  Her features were a little more squared than the other’s soft features.  Aside from their faces being more tall and narrow than our own, the thing that gave them both an unusual and eerie beauty was their noses and eyes.  The bridge of the nose did not indent between the eyes like ours.  It went straight from the forehead and curved slightly in towards the nostrils, which were quite small.  Their eyes were wider, the outsides tilting up. Both girls wore a cosmetic color over their eyelids.  The softer one had her gaze locked on me and I stared back, entranced.

The kind one sat down on the chair to my right and her sister stood next to her.  I tried to think of questions to ask them but I was too hypnotized by their look and only fragments made their way out.  The one sitting seemed to understand my bafflement and only smiled as she looked at me through long strands of hair that fell over her face.  My hand reached out to take theirs, as I had instinctually done in my last “unknown encounter”, but they stood still.  I grazed her shimmering arm and felt the softest material I have ever known.

“Your skin!” I gasped, “It is so soft!  I can’t believe it!” I continued to caress her skin and felt the other’s arm which was just as soft.  She continued to smile when I suddenly realized how impolite and crude my actions were.

“I’m sorry, is it ok that I do this?” I asked.

“No,” she said still smiling, “You may lightly touch my face when I speak fondly to you.” She informed me of this without stopping me or punishing me, and seemed satisfied that I had thought to ask. They both seemed extremely tolerant.

I then reminded myself not to get too caught up in one thing, that I had a limited time here and that I should take in as many details as I could.  I stood up and began to look all around the room.  Various pictures hung on the wall, most containing scenery of the domed buildings in a time without snow, but the one hanging above the chair was what really caught my eye.  It was a still life painting with three objects placed on top of a slab of marble, about the size of a book.  One was a metal orb and another was a strange statue or figurine of a sitting animal of some kind.  It resembled a bear and a cat and it was painted yellow with black squares as a marking. The ears were round and small and the eyes sat wide apart and seemed to look out on both sides, like a lizard.  The third object, sitting between the two was what shocked me.  I let out a breath of pure excitement and pointed to a small bust of Anubis.

“That! What is that? What is that to you?” I looked to both of them.

“Oh,” the rougher one spoke, “That’s ____’s God.”  I did not understand the name she mentioned but she said it in a tone that was slightly annoyed at the image and the idea.  It was something she did not believe in.  My heart raced with the joy of finding a connection between our worlds. Whether it meant anything at all, it was an image we shared.

Wanting to see if there was more, I began to walk to the other side of the room to locate anything else of significance.  I approached a small desk to the opposite corner and reached out to rummage through before stopping.  This is not a dream, I reminded myself.  I looked to the bed and saw movement. As I got closer I noticed a young man sleeping.  His wore a garland of some kind atop his messy hair that was brown and curly.

“Who is this?” I asked the girls, looking at him.  His head lifted sluggishly and looked at me with half shut eyes for only a second before dropping back into sleep.

“That is our brother,” one of them responded.

“That must be tough having all of you in the same room,” I noted.

“Oh, they don’t know he’s here,” she responded.  I was confused but did not want to risk being rude again and pry further.  I walked back to the women with hopes that I could muster up a little more articulation and actually gain some useful knowledge.  Unfortunately I heard a noise outside the door and the girls looked to each other.

“We need to leave now,” informed the rougher one. My heart sank.  And as the words left her lips I started to feel the tingle on the back of my neck that meant it was soon time for me to leave as well.

“Wait!” I pleaded, “Can I at least know your names?” They responded individually.

“Ema-lee-a” said the rougher one. (Or what I could grasp.)

“Ee-ay-na” said the soft one.

I was incredibly pleased that I actually understood their names, unlike last time.  I repeated them as I heard in order to ensure accuracy. “Emalia” smiled for the first time.

“Almost.  You are the first one to get it so close,” she told me.  I wasn’t sure if I had pronounced the other’s name correctly either and thought perhaps she just was too nice to correct me.  I wanted to get it right.

“I’m sorry, can you repeat it to me one more time?” I asked.  She smiled again but when she went to speak, all I heard was that strange mumbled incoherency.  She looked to me to see if I had understood that time but I was embarrassed to tell her that I understood even less. I decided to repeat the names again as I had heard them to see if that would help.  After I did they both looked to each other in confusion, as if I had just made the same strange sound.

I knew my time was up.  With that last look I felt the sucking motion again.  This time, I did not immediately return to my body, nor did I see the bright lights of the vortex.  I saw only darkness, complete and utter black of nothing.  But my body had the strong sensation of complete suspension; my legs seemed to feel as though they were lifted above me.  The sucking motion stopped and I was completely paralyzed.  Still in total darkness, I tried to speak with no success.  After about 10 seconds of struggling, I could move my mouth and my voice barely cracked.  Vision came back, and I was in my bed looking towards the open door.  I left the room to look for my computer or anything to write while I repeated the girl’s names over and over in my head.  Strangely, an oversized television was in the living room and a little boy with light colored hair, sat mesmerized to it.  I patted him lovingly on the head as I passed but he paid me no attention.  I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be watching him but it looked as though no one else was.  I sat down at the kitchen table looking for something, when a blonde, slender woman walked in from the hallway. I had never seen her before and thought maybe she was the babysitter for she walked right by the kid and into the kitchen to find something to eat.  Then I realized it was the boy’s own mother. I woke up with my gaze pointed to ceiling.  My body felt exhausted but it was clear that I was at least back in it.  I kept the names solid in my head, along with all other visuals and went straight to writing.

Notes: The scene with the girl and her son seemed like a flashback to an event that happened in that space years before.  Arnald’s mother confirmed when I inquired.

Date: 1/14/13

The alleged apocalypse came and went just like any fad of the youth.  In the month preceding the date the whole world counted down to, I had mentioned that there were currently three types of people who existed: Those that did not think anything would happen, those that hoped something would happen because they were ready to fight in the physical world and those that KNEW something would happen because they were ready to ascend.  Of course the “something” would not be a cataclysmic event but an evolution of the soul.

On the actual date of the twenty-first of December, nothing of significance occurred.  Except that I had fulfilled a manifestation that had been subconsciously in the making for about five years.  Back then, my friends began to talk of the ominous 2012 event and what supposedly would happen and where they would be and how they would prepare.  I had thought for only a moment and instantly saw myself in the desert, only I knew that I would be with no one that I currently knew.

The idea lay dormant until only several months before the ticking clock would expire.

My brother, who spent the last three years overseas, had currently been re-stationed in America. Instead of flying we chose to make a road trip out there to spend Christmas time with him. I had the uncommon-to-my-nature idea to ask Arnald to marry me on the “day the world is supposed to end”.  I realized only shortly before we departed, that this trip would land us in the middle of the Mohave on the night of.

In the month prior to “Armageddon”, I did feel an increase in power and connection to my higher self.  Most commonly, my pre-cognitive ability seemed to improve.  At times, I would find myself on the verge of succumbing to anxiety but instead of giving in; I practiced proper breathing techniques and closed my eyes and I would see a setting or situation I would soon find myself in.  It wouldn’t be specific shallow details but more an overall feeling that would let me know whether an outcome would be positive or negative.  And so far, each notion was accurate.

Several other progressive events occurred in addition to this increase in ability.  The first took place while I was visiting a friend from childhood in the city.  I had been aspiring to close several open doors in my life in order to be able to focus solely on the positive and constructive aspects.  After an accomplished feeling took over as I lay down to sleep, a strange sensation overcame me.  I felt a flow of energy emanating from the top of my head and the bottom of my feet, connecting in glowing fibers that surrounded my whole body.  My body teetered left and right while staying horizontal, as if I was the hand on a compass that was trying to locate north.  An intense electrical energy vibrated throughout me, like my magnetic poles were being readjusted. The wonderfully refreshing feeling lasted for about a minute before slowly returning me to a still position.

Later on in the month I experienced another new event while travelling outside myself.  I have found that I must immediately leave our room if I am to progress, so once out I found myself floating in the living room that was illuminated with clarity.  I wanted to venture outside but once I hit the sliding glass door, I got stuck in this strange spiraling motion.  All I could see was a bright glow all around me.  It felt as though I could see more than my physical body is capable of.  I wondered… Is this the 360 vision I have heard of?

Date: 1/29/13

I laid on my back in bed as I’ve found this is the only way I can leave my body with ease.  (I have tried it on my side but this usually sends me right to sleep and if I am successful, I seem to “fall out” and it usually sends me into vertigo)  My body was naturally exhausted and I practiced the proper breathing techniques (Inhaling through my nose and exhaling through my mouth).  I remained in a calm state of serene awareness until my partner turned the lights off.  After about 5 minutes I began to feel the beginning of disembodiment.  The act of going directly outside my body from full consciousness is still quite unnerving so I kept my eyes shut as I felt myself move forward about 2 or 3 feet away from my head.  The energy in the room felt thick and heavy but I remembered my mantra to not be frightened and forced my eyes to open.  My viewpoint was facing the back wall, about 3 feet above my bed and 5 feet away from my head.  All was dark but I could still make out the outlines of every small item in the room. I recalled a tip I had read and dismissed, vainly, at the time.  I had been advised to immediately demand clarity upon the exit of my body.  Last time, all it had taken was a simple thought of clarity and I was able to “turn on the lights” so to speak.  This time I gave it a thought, and nothing happened.  The room remained as dark as ever.  I thought in my head, “Give me clarity now!” But still, only darkness remained.  At this point I began to feel a heavy shroud of energy swirl around me, though I saw nothing.  My heart raced and my blood pumped intensely as I tried to speak aloud and say, “Clarity now!” but my voice only cracked. The energy became more intense with every futile effort and I began to hear a sound I could not describe.  The closest thing I could give it was the hum of an electric wind.  Then suddenly something gave me the idea to turn around and there I saw Arnald walk out the bedroom door.  Instead of directly following him, I went through the closet, past walls and out to the living room.  There I saw him again, on his computer.  Only I did not see him in any setting.  I simply saw him with his device, isolated from everything else.  I went up to him and tried to touch his back and shoulders but he did not respond.  I whispered to him, “Can you hear me?  Can you feel me?”  Suddenly the energy shifted and he began to smile.  A voice replied, No, to me.  The living room became clear again and I watched Arnald get up and open the sliding glass door to outside, revealing a beautiful night sky glittered with stars.  A voice, which sounded like his, but did not seem to come from him said, “Remember?”  I did remember. My real goals were not in the lower levels but in the depths of the universe.  Excitedly, I flew out the door and shot myself straight up to the twinkling balls of light.  Once again, I did not look down, only up, and did not stop until I felt I could go no further.  I heard the voice of my comrade, who as of late has not appeared in my dreams and only seems to make himself known when I leave my body. I feel as though he sometimes takes on the characteristics of Arnald’s appearance or voice, though there is no doubt that it is still him.  My comrade, or guardian, as apparently everyone else would call him, still speaks selectively but more often now that my abilities have increased.

I felt his presence next to me as well as the presence of several other beings above and below me. I did not look on them directly but could feel them and see angelic shapes in my peripherals.  I noticed a star move towards me and I caught it, letting it levitate just outside my palm.  At first glance it appeared as though the star was only the size of a tennis ball in my hand until I realized that my hand wasn’t really there, that I had projected the image of a hand because that is what I was used to having.  In actuality, I was large, or more rather was no size at all.  I was everywhere and yet still in a general area.  I caught another star and moved it close to the first one, forcing them to orbit around each other and sent them spiraling off.  This is fun, I thought.  I caught several more and made a chain of orbiting lights.  I heard the other beings commenting casually on my actions.  We floated together in the night’s sky amongst the stars until that dreadful moment when I felt the tingle and knew it was time to return to my physical body.

I was instantly and viscously thrown back and once again found myself completely paralyzed.  My eyes were open, but I was not fully reconnected with my body.  The room was still masked with darkness and again I felt the presence of the force that resides in our room.  I looked over to notice the sheets were thrown back where Arnald sleeps.  He had left the room as I had seen earlier.  Just then an ice-y chill grazed over my whole body and I felt something heavy atop me.  An inevitable panic set in as I attempted to remain strong and fearless, but terror got the best of me. I attempted to call out to Arnald but I was stifled.  I felt pressure on my throat as it closed up and I felt the sheets begin to slide off me, only I couldn’t be sure if it was just the feeling of whatever was there, slowly sliding across my body.  I was helpless. Then I heard a soft and low whisper in my right ear.  I didn’t listen.  I shut it out and desperately imagined a pure white light surrounding me.  I told the presence to stop and let me go and with that, the feeling of its grasp slowly dissipated.  I was still unable to move for another minute and so maintained the white glow around me.  When I was able to move, I hesitated.  I could still feel the presence lurking.  After another minute I forced myself up, still feeling the ice-y aura around me causing the hair on the back of my neck to remain up.  I found my robe and walked out to find Arnald.  I could not speak at first, more so, I did not want to.  My first instinct was that the contact with the force was between it and I, that it chose to have such forceful contact at a time when my partner was not present in the room.

I did not know what to think of this.  My lack of skill and sheer knowledge of these occurrences leaves me stranded for answers.  I understand that I might be conditioned to think of events like this as negative or evil.  The movies depict contact from things we can’t see as something to fear.  Psychologists say that hearing voices makes you insane.  Perhaps this is just a part of life.  If this is contact with another realm, I want to be open to it, not fear it.  I am less powerful in its presence and it scares me.  I must either admit I will not always have control or simply get stronger.

 

Date: 2/21/13

I have not been reaching the best of my capabilities in both conscious and subconscious realities, and last night made that evident.

But before that, I had made strides in some ways.  The deep whisper in my ear left me a little worried for my sanity.  Voices are one step past what I was ready to get into.  But the other night before I drifted off I heard another.  This time in my left ear.  It was a female voice.  She said, “Natalie!” Not threatening at all, but once again, I shut out the unknown.  I’m still human I guess.  Though I love to consider myself so advanced, I am still such an amateur at this. Just after the voice I felt a pulling on my head and I rose out about a foot before letting out a cry and shooting myself back. I was so upset with myself.  Once again I was too scared, and those kind voices only want to help, to shake me out of destructive habits.

Last night as I drifted off I attempted to prep myself for detachment.  I told myself to not be frightened.  I told myself to know I am the light.  I told myself to ask for what I wanted and not get too caught up on shallow details.  I could not follow through right then and let myself fall to sleep.  I had many lucid dreams filled with the classics; chases, shadows, breaking and entering.  At one point I set off an alarm in a small gated community.  I had meant to save a girl I knew in the waking life whom I had abandoned when she might have needed help.  Once I was pursued by the unknown authorities, I put my emotions aside and flew effortlessly over roofs and tree tops and began to scale the land.  Only the land was filled with strange objects, varying from monstrously massive to miniscule.  An amalgamation of bizarre fantasy.  Oblong creatures with horns sticking out of their forehead and other organic structures I couldn’t begin to describe.

I turned and flew towards the sky, and through the stars I began to see a vision.  Images of an unknown object began to appear.  It was a scepter of some kind, an icey blue.  The handle was about a foot and out of one end a light was produced, but not by any means of electricity or battery.  Over the light, another piece was clasped that was interchangeable.  The piece was of a thick, recycled-looking, glass of the same icey blue.  The center was square with four other triangular pieces on hinges pointing out from each side.  The points would all come together and clasp just below the light.  Each square had a different image engraved in the center, symbols of some kind, so when the light was activated, the image was projected.  I don’t recall hearing any voices but I was given the idea that this wand of sorts was very ancient, and was used to tell stories and communicate to groups.

I began to wake but instead of the smooth transition to the visuals of our reality, I shot out of my body to the corner of the room.  Though the room was not dark, I was still alarmed and returned to my body.  But I refused to give up so easily.  I took a breath and let myself release and once again I shot out, this time with the sensation of a helium filled balloon that looses air too quickly.  I laughed as I flailed around for a second before reaching the ceiling.  I floated down and tried to wake Arnald but he only smiled in his sleep.  Excited that I had not suscumbed to fear, I exited through the closet.  My mind was distracted and I was not entirely sure where I wanted to go so it came as no surprise that the next room I entered was not the living room.

It was a small messy room with sliding glass doors on the left and a couch on the right.  I immediately went to the glass doors and cracked them to see a starry sky, when I realized that I wanted to talk to somebody.  My heart raced with excitement as I walked to the couch and sat down.  ‘I want to meet a guardian.’ I said clearly to myself, though I honestly was not entirely sure what I meant with that.  Immediately to my left a woman appeared.  She had brown curly hair and wore a draped robe of some kind, almost like a greek goddess.  There was no smile present on her face as she came over and sat next to me.  I was slightly nervous as I did not want to make the same mistakes I had made in the past, and I fumbled around for the right questions to ask.

“What are you?” I asked her finally.

“I am like this,” she responded as she held out the very same sceptar I had seen in my vision.  I understood what she meant, that she showed images and communicated by means of light.  The next question I hesitated again.  This was one that several people had suggested I ask when I found myself in this situation and I figured that it would be a question that could not be answered.

“Why am I here?” I asked.

“That… cannot be simply explained,” she told me, as I had suspected.  She looked away as she seemed to struggle to find a way to speak to me in ways I could comprehend.  She began to attempt to speak to me, only my attention was distracted by my apparent mistake. I heard her say something about being called and the words sounded like, ‘lady yerta’.

“Lady yerta?” I repeated the words I thought I heard as I translated them to some sort of name I could give her.  She looked down and away from me with seemingly great disappointment.

“Yes…” she said quietly and solemnly.  And I was instantly returned to my body.  I had failed again.

Why must I be so fixated on a name?  I think in the moment I want a name because I hope that this will not be my last encounter and that I might see them again and be able to properly address them.   Or perhaps giving a name to someone or something makes it real to me.  Because these experiences remain an exciting phenomena that I don’t think will ever lose their luster.  These occurrences are so unbelievable to what has been conditioned in us that I feel that I must give them even more backing so that others will trust in my experiences.  And this must be what all past religious leaders have felt.  Giving saints names and attempting to know the title of God.  But I do not want to start a religion or further an existing one.  I must drop the vanity and the power of calling and focus on finding answers to the real questions that ache inside me.

 

Date:3/6/13

I talked to my good friend, Sahar the other day and she had told me that she was worried and for the first time in her life did “not believe in God”.  Of course, as she told me, “Not the big bearded guy in the clouds kinda thing,” but something along the lines of an all knowing source. I, having not ever fully recovered from my religious background, have taken no stance on the subject but was still immediately deterred. She told me that she had met and spoke to Him and it was the most beautiful feeling she had ever felt.  In my head I insisted that it was her higher self, but realized after that my opinions were driven only by lack of such significant experiences.  I have talked to the dead, beings from another planet and a “Guardian”, but never God.  My brain translates that to;  God is not something you can speak to. But my belief in her surpasses my stubbornness.  I know her energy is strong and that she is powerful.

But still I, myself can’t help but notice a strange disconnection with higher dimensions.  Almost like it’s too quiet… still waters before a storm. There is a lack of presence around me.  I feel like I could be being punished for my last failed OBE. I don’t know what it is but I don’t feel any icey touches, I haven’t heard any new voices and I haven’t left for the stars in almost 2 weeks.  Like I’ve been shut out, or locked up. Perhaps I have locked out the presences that were in our room, and I am now having to get used to astral beings NOT harassing me.  Since I don’t seem to fit into any organization that would specialize in knowledge of this field, I’m left with very little support in unraveling the mysteries of what we can’t see or know.

Is anyone else feeling this disconnection from the source?

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