6. Revelations

Date: 6/1/2011

Notes: My sister, Hanna and I have begun our travels. Yesterday’s event, which also happened to be Tegan’s memorial coincidentally, was a complete failure.

Dream:

There was a social gathering taking place. Friends from all parts of my life were gathering in an standard house with white walls.  With a big smile from the sight of old familiar faces, I stepped into the living room and gave out hugs along with many “I haven’t seen you in so long!” Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a brunette enter through the door I came.  It was Alisa.  I squealed with delight and ran to her.  She was slightly heavier than when I had seen her last but still had those big beautiful eyes I loved so much.  She didn’t smile when I greeted her.  I wasn’t sure if she had heard about me and was now creeped out by my homosexual nature.

We looked at each other in silence for only a second before embracing with a heavy passionate squeeze.  I was slightly taller than her (which I am actually quite the opposite).  She lifted her head and whispered something in my ear.  I couldn’t make it out.  I hesitated and asked her to repeat it.  She whispered again but closer so I could feel her breath on my ear and repeated.  I still couldn’t quite make it out but I knew she missed me.

From behind us came another familiar voice.

“Alright!!! Yeeaahhh!!! I know about this!!”  It was another old high school friend.  He came in, almost dancing and began to cheer at the sight of our hug.  He put his arms around us and began to say something along the lines of joining.  Oh, you boys never change, I thought.  We stood, our bodies still interlocked and without saying anything in response, Alisa began to move us towards the couch.  Our feet fumbled in the awkwardness of the movement and we fell into the cushions, which seemed to be her plan. Someone called and she got up quickly.  My heart fluttered from all the intense social interaction.  She gave me one quick smile before she left me.

Suddenly, a new face dropped onto the couch right next to me.  It was a blonde girl with a round face, freckles and cute nose. She was innocent for sure but obviously curious.  She said hello with a big flirty smile and snuggled up to me, laying her cheek on my collar bone.

“Is this ok?” she asked me, still smiling. Are you kidding? I thought.

“Of course! I don’t know you but I’m down for this.” I put my arm around her.  It felt great to feel the small weight of a girl next to my body again.  The old friend to my right laughed and began to talk to me.  I felt great.  It was that free feeling I used to have when I felt like I could date anyone and everyone.  My eyes trailed down the L-shaped couch to see Edeanne, an ex-lover, sitting on the other side.  Her eyes were locked on me.  She gave me that slight and sad signature smile of hers that said, ‘I’ll let you do whatever you want but I really want you for myself’.  Her wavy, dark auburn hair fell over her face which concealed part of her eyes allowing her to hide behind it.

I felt awkward again.  I knew I didn’t have to be respectful to how Edeanne felt about me but I automatically did and disbanded from the other girl at my side.  I didn’t want to be around this mess.  Suddenly Gerard, an old work mate, had walked into the room to say something and immediately picked up on the situation. He looked at me and smiled, almost laughing.

“I think everyone is leaving to continue somewhere else” he informed us.  I took this as my que and jumped off the couch.  The rest got up and started to move out the door.  I wanted to talk to somebody about this girl drama and Gerard was always the one for that.  I found him by the kitchen, standing tall, skinny and tan, chatting with a few girls.  As they said goodbye, I slipped my hand across his waist to give him a hug, seeing as how I hadn’t actually greeted him yet.  He instantly grabbed me and held me.  I wrapped my hands across his back and held on too.  I wondered if this looked strange to anyone.  I started to say something about the event on the couch but he leaned down and whispered something in my ear.  Once again, I couldn’t quite make it out.  I did not hesitate to ask him to repeat it.  He did, but I still had no idea what he had said.  One more time, I asked.  He leaned closer, touching his lips to my ear lobe and repeated it again.  But I simply could not make out what he said.  I looked at him in the eyes to read what it could be.  His face was blank, then he smiled after a second of silence.  It was something important and perhaps something I was expected to respond to but it seemed fine that I didn’t.  I hugged him once more and then left out the front door.

Standing outside was a few of my friends and my two sisters.  We needed to get to a gallery where apparently I’d be hanging my art.  We were to go in two groups and my truck, with Hanna at the wheel, was quickly filled up with boys who had aspirations of seduction.  Rae was smoking a cigarette and laughed with me at the sight.  We got into her car and took off.  She took erratic turns with ease and I took my usual stance of sitting back and letting what will happen.

We drove into a tunnel where a family with small children and a stroller were all walking in a chaotic line, leaving no clear opening for the cars to pass.  Rae kept a steady speed and continued onward.  Most of the kids ran out of the way but the stubborn father and one fat child hadn’t moved fast enough and met with our front bumper. There wasn’t a large noise and we knew we hit something.  Rae didn’t say anything or react.  She simply unbuckled and stepped outside.  Goddammit, I thought, I hope we hit the man and not the kid.

Suddenly a police car pulled up behind us. And then another one.  This is what I didn’t want.  I began to tell my group that we didn’t have time for this and that we had to go.  The wife of the family was talking to one and pointed us out.  One of the officers began a slow walk over to me, an intimidation attempt.

“So who is injured?” I asked.  The cop looked at me with surprise.

“Well no one.”

“Ok good then there is no reason for me to talk to you.  No injury means no problem and I don’t have time for this.”  I left the cop standing bewildered and got back in the car.  And I woke up.

Date: 8/12/11

Notes: We completed our quest to New Orleans. Hanna flew from here to live with Rae almost 2 weeks ago.

I found myself sitting between Sahar and our other friend on a cushioned seat in a long metal bus, zooming above the streets on a rail.  We, and the rest of the patrons were silent, only hearing the rattling of the massive machine we rode in.  Sahar turned her head back to look out the window, her thick dreads brushing my shoulder.

“Look at Subaru..” she told me with eyes wide.  I looked back to see a very small group of stars glitter like a light shining on something metallic.  I screamed.  Everyone looked around at me, like what I had witnessed was average but I ignored them.  I knew the significance of this sight and so did my party.  I kept my back to the front and my eyes locked to the sky.  An even larger batch of stars flashed and in formation this time, similar to a flock of birds changing flight.  I screamed again with amazement.  How the hell could these stupid people see and not appreciate this.

After my second outburst, the driver, whom I somehow knew, scoffed at me.  Now my head jerked forward.  I retorted with something along the lines of him not getting it and would never get it.  I turned back to view more of the wonders the sky was producing, only to be interrupted again by the driver’s pessimistic and cynical attitude.  His words were so irritating that I almost didn’t hear them.  My ears muffled on their own and I heard bits and pieces of his speech.  “You don’t even know what you’re talking about… You try to make everything significant… Not special… If you paid attention…”

“You need to shut the fuck up.” I told him.  But he continued, this time laughing at me.  I reached forward to nudge the citizen in the seat ahead of me to move to the side so I could get a better look at the driver.

“Listen, if you don’t shut up, I will murder you.” I promised.  This only enticed him more.  He laughed even harder.  I shoved the person aside in front of me, hopped in the middle seat and met his gaze, hard, through his rearview mirror. I saw his dirty blonde hair, blue eyes and smaller, cut Arian features.  To most I’m sure he would seem attractive.  But to me, he was sickening, and I hated him.  I fixed my eyes upon his, making sure my deadpan gaze was apparent.

“I’m completely serious, man. I.. WILL.. murder you.” Behind me I heard a woman’s voice, whispering, inquiring about my threat with concern.  Another voice next to her tried to console by informing that there was some type of history between the driver and I and that I didn’t really mean it.  I felt that there had been previous interactions, but I did not know this man.  He was not my friend, brother or confidant. And I really did mean it. For some reason his words and his attempts at making this phenom insignificant enraged me.  I couldn’t stand for this to be ruined.

I turned back towards the sky to find my environment had changed. My girls were gone, but only from the room.  I was now looking out a little window in a tiny room on the second floor of a saloon.  The girls lived in the room underneath me and were both looking out their window directly beneath mine.  Outside, the beautiful night sky lit up the desert, in a way that can only be illuminated by a clear, country environment. The houses across the street remained in partial ruin. We were still in New Orleans.

“Sahar!!!!!” I screamed.  Now the stars were in an even more detailed formation.  They had moved to form a row of vertical stripes and in the middle was a cluster of stars in a vortex configuration, changing directions from clockwise to counter with each pump of movement, the stars spilling out and receding, each one with a powerful glimmer.

“OH MY GOD!!!” I screamed once again, “Are you fucking kidding me?!!”  I was beyond amazed and bewildered.  My heart raced with every movement of the celestial force.  This was the most amazing thing I had ever witnessed.  Below me I could hear Sahar speak to me.

“This is what I’ve been trying to show you, (my name).  This happens.” And I knew she was right.  Suddenly, to jar me and jerk me out of this beautiful occurrence, I heard my phone buzzing.  Disturbed by the artificial subject, my eyes jutted to the right to where the device lay on my bed.  Trying to not distract my gaze too much as to not miss a single second of this anomaly, I reached blindly to turn my phone off, but instead accidentally answered.  The faded screen, barely read “Alice”, an ex-girlfriend turned friend.  I did not want to talk to anyone right now, but of course could not be rude.

“Hey.” As I looked out the window again, I saw the girls ride off on horses over a desert hill and into the darkness.  They were on mission to get closer to the marvels in the sky. The horses were white and packed with supplies.  I wanted, no, needed to go with them.  Through the receiver, I could hear Alice’s semi electric voice.

“Hi! I haven’t talked to you in so long! How are things going?” She asked me.  I wasn’t paying attention though.

“Hey, I know, but I’m sorry, I can’t really talk right now.  Sahar just took off into the mountains, the stars are in a vortex and I have to go..” But she wasn’t going to let me go that easily.

“What? But where are you? How did your travels go?” she asked me.  She clearly wasn’t getting the magnitude of what was happening.  But I automatically answered as I looked around me to gather things to follow my friends.

“I’m in some desert town I think.. or.. no wait, I’m in New Orleans.” I looked around me in confusion.  I didn’t want to be having this conversation. I didn’t want to check in, or realize where I was. I wanted to do and be.  I wanted to chase after the stars.  “I’m sorry girl, but I have to go.” Without waiting for a response, I clicked to end the call.

The environment changed again and I found myself in the city in the day time.  The girls had taken off for work and I could see one of them up ahead. The streets were empty except for us.  Perhaps it was just early enough. I raised my body, effortlessly, to stand on the very tips of my toes, the same weightless feeling of being in water.  I leaned my chest forward and began to glide across the cement at great speed towards her.

“Hey girl!!!” I yelled comically as I caught up to her and circled her in this partial flight movement.  The act and feeling of this motion was hilarious and new to me.  She turned around and smiled.

“What are you doing?” she laughed.  I giggled and spun back around.  I knew she had to get to work so I let her go on.  I was still laughing hard, stumbled and lightly fell to the ground.

“What?! I’m dreaming anyway!” I yelled back.  Then I thought for a second, as I always do when I proclaim such a thing, ‘Am I really dreaming?’  Is this going to be one of those times that I actually do something stupid or degrading in public that I will indeed regret?  No… I thought.  I’ll administer the test and remedy this situation.  I sat up and forced my environment to change.

An office setting, it was dimly lit.  My curvy brunette assistant walks in with papers for me. That is more like it, I thought.  (Dream continued into a typical porn format.)

Date: 9/11/11

Notes: I’ve made it back to my home state for the remaining events in 2011.  Staying with friends for the time being.

The water stretched out as far as we could see.  I could not remember exactly how we had gotten this far out into the ocean, but I was with friends so I did not care.  We laughed and splashed while we swam.  The sky above us was rich with the colors of sunset. Suddenly, we saw something very improbable and very large tumbling across the sky.  It was a giant narwhal, somersaulting through the heavens.  How large it really was I couldn’t tell but it was indeed massive.  I called to Sahar and pointed for her to look.  Surprisingly, we were speechless. This did not feel like a dream.  As far as I knew, this was reality.  My mind was genuinely blown.  And the way I perceived life would be completely different from here on out.  I did not let me eyes off of this wonder and watched it as it rolled all the way out into the distance.  I could not make sense of it, nor did I desire to.  I accepted it.  And woke up.

Date: 9/14/11

I stood in a doorway that led to a dank and dark basement.  Webs covered every corner and an eerie mist spread throughout the room and laid on top of the already present dust in the air.  I had broken in, in hopes of finding a relic to acquire.  I could feel a strong presence approaching and it was not benign.  It was coming up fast.  My puppy, who was off the leash, was behind me, inspecting every corner.  But the presence had increased its speed again and was close to contact.  I called my dog’s name and snapped my fingers, nervously doubting whether she would choose this vital time to not respond.  Her ears perked up and she bounded towards me.  I praised her, incredibly proud and confident of my dogs ability to survive in this world…or at least in my subconscious.  It felt comforting to have a new companion in my alternate reality.

Date: 10/17/11

Notes: I do not have any more events booked.  Besides holidays with family, I have no idea what I should be doing next.

I watched our planet from god’s viewpoint.  With one swipe of my hand I forced mountains to rise from the sea.  With different hand gestures I was able to zoom the planet in and out to gain various perspectives.  Up close, the people rejoiced as I continued to install beautiful beaches and greenery.

If I got close enough I would appear to the people as their peer.  A small aquatic parade formed to celebrate their new utopian world. The people excitedly gave me a tour of sorts through a series of new tiny islands.  They informed me of all the engaging recreational events that would occur thanks to these newly developed lands.

I backed out to see another planet, ripe for terra-forming. As I fumbled with my hands to adjust my view to a desired perspective, I accidentally zoomed so far out that I could see the entire universe and all its beautiful galaxies sparkling throughout.  Completely baffled with the awesomeness of my vantage point, I attempted to locate the planet I was trying to target, or galaxy that contained it.  I had not perfected which hand movements performed which actions.  I placed my hands flat with my thumbs out creating a rectangular view in between and pushed them slightly together in hopes of changing my depth.  Instead, I accidentally forced all galaxies in the universe to occupy the space I saw between my hands.  Galaxies overlapping each other created a light brighter than any I had ever seen.

A voice asked me what I was doing, as I had just clearly altered life in a significant way.  I told them I would fix it but that they had to come over and look first.  I saw no one but could feel that another presence was taking a moment to enjoy this celestial amalgamation of lights I had created.  I wondered if I actually could return everything to its natural place.  Now was not the time to care.  I was hypnotized by the awesome glory of our universe.  Tears swelled up as I bounced my gaze from one galaxy to the next and to all that over and under-lapped.

Date: 1/3/12

My comrade and I were on an escapade throughout the neighborhood in the middle of the night.  Earlier we had been discussing what it was that we were looking for, some type of important document which apparently could be in any house.   Of course I didn’t mind the search.  I’m always down to break and enter.

Each house went quick.  We flew in, gliding across the floors.  Nothing was altered and doors were always shut.  We had to leave no tracks.  Though I was completely lucid, I still understood that leaving any evidence of our invasion would work against me.  There was also no time to linger as that could also affect our mission.

As I walked through the back sliding glass doors of our last house, I noticed a figure curled up on the floor of the living area.  It was a middle-aged woman, slightly petite and a little over weight with thick brown hair in a pixie cut.  She seemed out of place but I quietly disregarded her and quickly continued my raid.

My comrade suddenly appeared at the glass doors with intense urgency.  He came up behind me, grabbed my arm and began to pull me back.  I realized my choice to remain in a house with an owner who could awaken at any moment or who might not even be asleep, was a wrong one.  He had panicked and was now only concerned with removing me from the area.  I felt an unnaturally strong force pulling me back, though I knew it was still him.  I grasped for the handle on the door in order to close it but the pressure from my rescuer was too strong.  I tried to tell him to wait so that I could close the door and ensure our cover but as I struggled the force only increased.  My fingers slipped off the handle and I was swept away across the grass. As I watched the open door fall further into the distance, I knew I had really messed up and that there would be consequences.

My comrade’s force then flung me so far and hard that I involuntarily took flight. I repositioned my body and collected my consciousness. The air was cold but refreshing and I could smell the trees that were just below me.   I looked around and saw the clear night sky, a deep blue, speckled with brilliant stars.  I was completely lucid and remembered the goal I had set in my waking mind to once again breach Earths atmosphere. Ahead of me was our gorgeous moon and could not think of a better target.

I kept my eyes fixed on the goal and flew with great speed towards it.  Only as I continued, I noticed that the moon was getting too large, too quickly in reference to how close I still was to the surface of our planet.  Upon approaching it, I saw that there was a strange black rectangular frame around it.  I darted around the back of it and saw that the frame was actually a large flat screen television that deceitfully displayed a fake moon.  This irritated me but not for long.  I looked to my left and saw the real moon.  Identifying the differences, I felt foolish for not originally catching the fraud.  I cleared my head again and raced through the sky to what I was sure was actually our beloved moon.

As I passed a tree something caught me off guard.  Whether it was my own distraction or an unknown force preventing me, I did not know.  But my gaze, followed by my body, was suddenly flung around and I lost sight of the target.  I started to get nervous as to my continued failure but it didn’t last long.  To my right and through the branches I saw the constellation Orion.  This was even better, I thought.  I began to make my way to the star formation but stopped when I realized that I might have left my comrade in a predicament.  I also decided that perhaps my subconscious was trying to let me know that I was not ready for an adventure into space at this time.

I turned down and flew back to the quiet neighborhood we had been pillaging.  Dawn began to crack and I could hear familiar voices in one of the houses.  Landing with ease, I walked through the sliding glass doors and into the house where I could hear my family.  Was this the same house? I wondered.   It seemed strangely familiar but seeing as how my family now resided here, I did not see a potential problem.

I felt comfortable once I sat down on the couch next to the sliding doors.  Suddenly the doors began to slide open and in popped the head of the very woman I had seen lying on the floor.  She looked extremely concerned and intent.  Once she saw me she immediately avoided my gaze and continued into the house.  I made her precautious but not exactly scared.  She tried to reach my family before me and she began to say something about me being untrustworthy and crazy.  I thought quickly and maybe irrationally.  Before she could finish I began to scream at the top of my lungs right in her face.  I’ll show you crazy, I thought.  In the heat of the moment I came to the conclusion that she had witnessed my crime and my only way out of this situation was to act truly insane in hopes that she would leave me alone.  I continued to scream.  I woke to Hanna shaking me.

Date: 1/13/12

I’m back in town where I grew up and fainted at a bar earlier in the night. On the way down I hit my head on a metal stool. I dreamt of being in my van and saying something to my dog.  It was an average dream only time was sped up.  Everything moved as if someone had hit the fast-forward button.  I had to go to the bathroom.  I remember thinking, ok I’ll just go then.  As I was about to relieve myself I thought, Wait, I think I’m still at the bar, I need to wake up.  I used the same technique I always use when I want to wake from a dream or nightmare to get out of my unconscious state.  I came to with my old childhood friend and a few others surrounding me, telling me I had fainted and was twitching, same as in REM state.  Last night every dream was lucid, 7 which I remembered, but it was too much to account.  I kept waking up every half hour to hour and half.  It felt like an entirely different life.  It felt as if days, maybe even a week of experiences had gone by.

 

Date: 1/18/12

I had been dreaming lucidly much longer than the starting point of this account, but at a very realistic rate and timeline.

We had been outside when we were suddenly evacuated to a new house with ceilings that towered over blank, white walls.  I was not fully aware of the reality of our situation at first, seeing as how the group continued to socialize as if there was not a disaster afoot.  But I knew otherwise.  I looked around and noticed no preparations at all.  Everyone talked and laughed, oblivious, with nothing but the clothes on their back.  It seemed as though everyone was waiting to be told the next line of action.  I felt my heart rate increase as I began to panic.

“What are we doing here?  There is nothing here. I need to get my bag..” I tried to tell anyone close by who would make eye contact with me. “My bag has everything we need, we need to get it.”  My sister heard me and casually told me that we could go get it in a little bit.

The house was now filled with family and the boys, friends in the city I stayed with on my art tour.  No one was taking my request seriously which aggravated me but I tried to remain sane as I did not want to alarm anyone.  Apparently the conditions outside were not safe and I knew that going alone was not an option.  I used every opportunity to talk about the things we needed.  I asked if anyone had clean water which of course they didn’t. I began to repeat that I had water filter drops and how much clean water we could get from it, attempting to make these assets so appealing that they would take me to get them.  Finally I got the attention of one of the boys, Casey.

“Oh yeah, you got all kinds of things in your van, don’t you?” he asked with a smile.

“Yes! Yes I do! Everything! Sleeping bags, food, tools.  I have everything we need, we should really get to it.”  I pleaded.  But the interest didn’t last long.  He seemed amused and impressed but not enough to help me take action and turned back to the rest of the boys.

Once again, panic struck me as my mind settled on the current situation. I mentioned again about needing to get my bag or get to my van, at this point feeling close to hopeless.  I felt like I was on the edge of breaking. Through the oblivious loud talking, Gerard caught the look on my face and finally realized what I had.

“You just need to get to your van?” He asked with a placid face but with what seemed like genuine concern in his eyes.

“YES!” Oh thank you, I thought, finally.

“Ok let’s go then.”  He sat up and went towards the door.  I scrambled to grab my keys, gave my family a quick goodbye and instructed them to wait for my return.

We left the safe house at last to find the world in near total destruction.  It was unclear as to the source of the havoc.  The violent wind and uneven earth led us to believe it was natural. But some maleficent force or energy was apparent which gave us the feeling it was all the handiwork of something else. I knew whatever it was ran much deeper than what we saw on the surface.

We drove in a large, white work van through the apocalyptic streets, past disheveled buildings set against an eerie overcast sky. We said little, staying focused on the surroundings.  The earth had pushed the roads up, some overlapping others and we soon got to a point where the car could not go.  Between some newly risen pavements I caught a glimpse of the top of my van, which had been pinned in the rubble.  Just a few chaotic blocks over I could see the ocean, the only thing that seemed to remain serene and untouched by disaster.

I ran over to find the doors to my vehicle already open. Luckily the contents hadn’t been raided.  My eyes locked in on my brown leather shoulder bag and I grabbed it after double checking its contents.  We still had a little time and I knew that this would be the only chance I got to get whatever I needed from here.  By instinct I started to shove tiny sentimental items into my pockets, anything nostalgic I could afford to hold on to.  Gerard walked around the corner to check on me and I began to grab practical items like fuel, oil, and other tools, pretending to have been doing so the whole time.

“I think I’ve got it all,” I told him.  I gave a quick look over to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything vital. I remembered family pictures but could not find them.  I scrambled to find anything else my family would want but I could feel time running out.  I knew that this would be the only trip I was able to make.  The pressure was on me. I knew they would be upset but I had to leave. With loot in my bag we ran back to the other van and took off.

Up ahead I could see a group of people walking down the shore, the first set of raiders I assumed. Ahead of them was a larger group coming quickly at them, accompanied by some large vehicles.

“Speed up,” I said, “We need to get out of here.” He stepped on the gas, past the oblivious first group that turned their heads to see us speed by.  They were dressed in sports jerseys and were headed towards some tents they had set up amongst the chaos.  I turned around to see the larger group, which was now clearly military, opening fire on the civilians, taking out the whole group.  Their screams echoed as we raced away from the scene, back to our friends and family.  My mind raced with more plans of action as I woke up.

Date: 3/4/2012

I was on an outside a patio at what seemed like twilight.  I looked at the ground, my view slowly followed the cement walkway to a small couch against the outside of the house.  I felt myself uncontrollably drawn to it.  My feet didn’t move but some force lifted me just off the ground and slid me to it.  I sat and gazed forward.  Ahead of me sat my grandfather, my father’s father, who I barely even remember, and my aunt.  My grandfather sat on a folding chair with his arms crossed and wore his token straw hat cocked to the side.  My aunt, short and a little plump, stood against a post, talking.

Once I looked in the direction that they were, the atmosphere switched and gave off an unnaturally strong haze. It felt real and extremely surreal at the same time, and I accepted it as such.  Time slowed just a bit, the sound of my relatives soft voices faded and all I saw was their mouths smiling and lips forming words against the thick white glow that fell over everything.  But it all seemed too blissful, like the calm before the storm.

I sat up and walked between them, catching my aunt say something about bad weather supposedly coming.  Suddenly, the haze began to fade and the sky began to darken. Far out I saw a thick black cloud billow down the side of a mountain.

“Look!” I told them and pointed out.  I began to think how beautiful and wonderful it was to see nature maneuver like that, until I realized the dark energy that came with it.  The black fog raced down the side of the rock, dipping down and shooting straight up into the sky.  I was now alarmed but did not want to frighten my family.  Since they said nothing, I was hoping they had not seen it and that I could somehow convince them to go inside. I looked to both of them, now with their eyes locked on the darkness and their mouths agape.

The dark mass swirled and collected itself above, forming some type of ominous face.  I felt a lump in my throat and the weight of a power far greater than I could fathom.  I clutched the shoulders of my kin as the great mass slowly hovered and crept across the surrounding hills almost as if hunting something.  My aunt swiped my hand off.  I couldn’t tell if it was because she did not want my comfort, or because she was ashamed of me and wanted to disassociate and save herself in these “last times” as prophesied by hers and my late religion. And I was reluctant to admit that deep down I felt that maybe they were right all along, and now it is I who must pay for not believing. I was truly frightened and for the first time since perhaps childhood there was a force that was truly and utterly beyond my power.  I was helpless.  The only tactic I could think of was to blend in to what seemed like the untouchables, my family.

I clutched my grandfather’s and aunt’s shoulders again, only to have my aunt rip my hand right off again and this time with disdain.  I didn’t know what to do.  And I knew that God or Satan or whatever force beyond me would soon find me.  With a new feeling of true understanding and complete and utter fear, I woke up.

Date: 3/28/12

The skies had almost gone completely black and I was in flight, heading towards the multi-storied house I was residing in.  As usual I was being pursued, but this time it was not because I had trespassed or stolen anything.  My hunters were after me for apparent tax evasion in my waking life.  It was a strange feeling but I knew that those tracking me were from the reality we all know and had somehow found a way into my subconscious in order to put me away.  Through my dreams was apparently the only way they were going to be able to successfully do so.  I was irritated and overwhelmed with a feeling that I had already been defeated.  I wondered how they had possibly figured out how to get in my head.

Behind me I heard the beating of propellers from the helicopter that was trailing close by.  They found me and there was no point in hiding.  I flew down and through the sliding glass doors on the second story.  The house was dimly lit and seemed almost empty except for my mother who idled somewhere in the kitchen.  Anxiety suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks on my chest.  My heart raced and my hands shook.  I tried to search my thoughts quickly for any last minute escape route or tactic that might save me, but I was helpless.

The front door opened and in walked a soft faced blonde woman in a grey business skirt and jacket.  Her hair was put up neatly in a bun and her clothing pressed and pristine.  She was immaculate, and wore a look of utter confidence on her face.

“(my name)?” she asked me.  I said nothing and kept my face solid and stoic.  She ignored my silence and continued to walk towards me as if the question was perhaps rhetorical anyhow.  She knew who I was.  The woman went to the table in the middle of the room, pulled out a chair and asked me to join her.  I waited a second before walking over, remaining mute.  A huge lump cultivated in my throat as I tried to remain as cold as possible. When I met her she smiled maliciously.

“Would you like something to drink?” she asked me.

“No,” I told her.  Offering ME something to drink in my own house.

“How about a beer?” She pulled out a bottle of beer I used to order often, but have since grown tired of, and popped the lid off with an opener she had handy.

“I don’t want anything to drink,” I said. I left the bottle sitting there and she kept her eyes locked on me.

“Perhaps you’d like a different kind.” She waited a second before reaching down and pulled out a bottle of beer which happened to be my recent, cheaper default and I ordered it often.

“I said I don’t want anything to drink.” This time I let my irritability show through my voice and tried to avoid looking at the bottle that I actually did want to drink.  Her stature remained undaunted as she sat and watched me fidget in my seat and squirm inside.  I began to panic as I wondered where this was all going to lead. I could not give any of myself up or show any sign of weakness.

“You know what I do want is a fucking cigarette,” I retorted with a last attempt to remain in control.  I had to remove myself from the situation and reevaluate my plan.  I stood up, pushed the chair back and snatched the second beer off the table. She said nothing and remained seated as she watched me storm out and through the glass doors to the balcony.

I lit up and blew out that first relieving blow of smoke.  My hands were still shaking as I contemplated my options.  For the first time I could not think of anything and felt utterly trapped.  I noticed suddenly that a boy stood to my side, jacket zipped up close to his five o’clock shadow and black rimmed glasses.  It was Arnald, a new friend, fellow artist and very recent interest.  He approached me quietly and put his arms around me in comfort.  He didn’t completely understand my dilemma but he was there to help nonetheless. I didn’t accept his touch at first, but only from my own personal and inner rage that I felt at that moment.

All of a sudden I had an uncontrollable urge to drown my anguish in substances.  I turned around to face the wall, grabbed his arms, pulling them around me and directed him to start fucking me as hard as he could from behind, while I still held a cigarette in one hand and the beer in the other.  It felt amazing but I let out no sound of pleasure.  My body was filled with sheer anger and I wanted to stimulate as much of my senses as possible.  As my lower body pumped with blood, I took a huge drag, blew it out, then opened my throat so that I could down my entire beer in one gulp.  Once done, I pushed Arnald off me, tossed my cigarette and smashed my bottle against the wall.  This was it. I was completely filled with power now and realized that there was no way I would ever be defeated.  I would prevail and remain the god that I saw myself.

Instead of returning to the official woman, I kicked off the balcony and took flight.  Red alarm sounded throughout the air and I knew that there was no turning back, changing my mind or asking for forgiveness. I had chosen my fate.  Helicopters increased fivefold and I could hear land units were quickly on their way.  There was an explosion from inside the house, blowing out the glass on all the doors and windows and out flew a newly transformed demoness. It was my woman inquisitor.  She had quadrupled in size, her skin turned grey and massive bat wings sprouted out her back.  Her suit still remained in small ripped pieces around parts of her body which was the only indication that it was the same woman.  The succubus pummeled towards me in full force over and over and I evaded just barely each time.  All of my practice in flight caught up to me. There was no room for fear.

I dodged her charge once more and turned around mid-air to face the beast.  She let out a shrilling screech and arched her back and arms as if cultivating an epic power to use against me.  Thinking with haste, I put out my hand and swept it across the scene, suddenly stopping time.  I quickly used my finger to point to each vital part of her body, head, heart, stomach, and each limb, leaving a red dot on each spot.  Another wave of my hand set time back in motion and at each red dot harnessed a massive explosion, sending the demon’s body off in small chunks throughout the air.  Her black and red guts spewed everywhere and I stared back in pure victory.  I had defeated my first boss.  Confidence returned and I tilted my head back and smiled.  I cannot die.  And I woke up.

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