The Decision

The first meaningful advice ever bestowed on me was from my mother when I was about three or four.  Even at that time I was plagued relentlessly with vicious nightmares, as many children are.  The only consolation I received was my morning ritual of sitting in the entrance to the kitchen and recounting every part of my dream that I could remember while my mother cooked breakfast.  She listened, without judgement, to every strange detail my mind would conjure up. When I began to panic that the nightmares might never cease, she left me with this vital gem of knowledge: You can control your dreams.  She informed me that the next time I was tormented that all that was required of me was to simply remember that it was a dream and I could banish the unwanted.  Of course that skill did not come immediately, but the words and the concept stuck with me and it was then that I embarked on a journey to control the erratic nature of the subconscious.

In my younger years I utilized the dream world mostly for entertainment and never thought twice about the real benefits that it contained. Excusing most feats casually and devaluing experiences by assumption.  As the years went on and my abilities expanded, I began to see the subconscious as an anarchistic playground, ripe for deviation or any other desired experimenting that would otherwise be deemed taboo in this reality. A fundamental vessel for expression and the release of repression. I relished in sin and began to enjoy the darkness and the chases that led me ducking into shadows that harbored so many phobias. I felt unstoppable, vain and god-like in my superb manipulation. I could bear the anxiety of horrors.  Suddenly, a light clicked with a realization that nightmares were indeed the most beneficial dream to experience, for it was in those dark and brutal times that you truly gained strength.  Battles persisted but every fear I conquered led me to a reward that was far greater than any anguish I endured.

After years of expansion, my abilities had seemingly leveled..  It appeared that I reached my max when out of nowhere I broke beyond the barriers of habit.  I was changed.  And there was no going back.  Dreaming was no longer a child-like hobby, but a dying passion with a yearning to strive for anything just beyond my gaze.  I had opened a new door, which I was later to discover was just one of many I would encounter in this vast and shapeless existence.

My developmental pace was agreeable enough until one day when it simply stopped.  My dreams suddenly lost their lucidity and lacked any formative significance. I gave it little concern initially but then I began to lose my recall.  If the night didn’t pass in several blinks then the only memories I did have upon waking were shallow and boring.  I had been stripped of the alternate reality and life I had spent so much time progressing in.  The silence lasted for months before it was clear that patience was not the answer.  This severing of worlds was unacceptable to me, and I vowed to go through any length necessary to revive my subconscious power.

From the depths of me, a paranoia suggested that I might not ever regain what I had lost.  And I knew that the day would eventually come that I might not be able to rely on my acute long term memory and all the dreams of my childhood that I stored with exquisite detail would be gone forever.  I had recited a good amount to friends in my youth but beyond that, only a few of my subconscious adventures were ever documented.  So I tasked myself with two agendas: The first being to record all past dreams that I could possibly remember and the second to start a strict and methodical dream log.  Though this consumed much time, I remained dedicated and after about a year and a half I was greatly rewarded with a new unbelievable ability that altered my entire perspective on existence as I considered it.

As well as metaphysical feats, completing these tasks gave me a personal psychological advantage.  Looking back after I wrote allowed me to witness myself in a different light.  I could see the imagery my mind produced in relation to actuality, and with these new apparent connections I was able to see the raw nature that embodied me.  I had to look past my own embarrassment in order to reveal the dark, unconventional and egomaniacal path I chose to take. Though it was through my brute honesty and shamelessness that I was able to expose deep pockets of my inner psyche that would have otherwise festered, perhaps indefinitely.  And without making excuses for my actions, I was able to asses the roots to inner questions and obstacles.

The journey for higher connections is still in pursuit and I hope will never end.  My documents start with recalled childhood dreams and move to the beginning of my daily dream log and eventually catch up to my current entries.  I list particularly those dreams and experiences that host the progression of my subconscious powers.

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One thought on “The Decision

  1. You can control your dreams! I’ll share that with my nephews the next time they share a dream with me… They’ve mentioned dreams about godzilla brothers destroying the city and monsters/helpers Great blog your so raw honest REAL! I’ll start reading from the begininng

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